holiness

After much consideration and careful deliberation, I feel as though I have finally come to terms with my self within the scope of femininity. It feels vain and vapid and shallow to recognize myself as attractive, but I can no longer pretend to not notice the way that I look. I can tell I possess, to some degree, some attractive physical qualities; I am thin, clear-skinned, straight-teethed. A recipe, or rather, an assemblage of individually attractive pieces that have been crudely sewn together.

The thing about the attractive qualities that I possess, is that none of them feel in any way indicative of who I am. My femininity is merely a vessel for the rest of me, which doesn’t feel particularly feminine or masculine. In fact it is barely even human. I feel otherworldly, with no true corporeal form. This body is just the vehicle I have commanded to get from place to place. When people comment on the looks of this vehicle, I almost feel sorry for them, while feeling wretched about myself. I feel sorry that the person complimenting me could not see the multitudes that I contain. Their perception of me is limited only to the form that they see before them, which could never accurately represent me. I become immensely self critical in these moments. how could I parade my physicality around in a way that hid away my true self? How could I adorn this body that was never mine to begin with? It’s like decorating a rental car while failing to mention that it flies. Like commenting on the feet of a pig while paying no regard to the fact that it speaks.

I feel like, whatever I am, is so much larger, vastly deeper than this body will allow me to show. The size of my soul dwarfs the confines of my skin. I am surprised my frail skeleton can bear the weight of my true form. My skull should have shattered years ago, beams of hot light boring through my brain and exploding out into infinity.

In this way, I have become my own sort of God; a being that the limits of my body can hardly contain, and understand even less. My only hope with this feeling of holiness, is that others will begin to understand it. I want others to know me as the sort of being I recognize myself as, something much more than my body.